Why Marriages Fail: An Aviation Parable
When I was younger, I was known for answering questions using analogies, or what my peers nicknamed “parables.” In true fashion, let me tackle this topic and explore the reasons why marriages fail by talking about aviation first.
Let me start with a simple question. Are you a comfortable flyer, or do you feel uneasy every time a plane takes off? You may be one of those people who avoid flying altogether - shaped by fear of crashing, past experiences, or even anxieties stirred up by those intense air-crash documentaries that place you right in the passengers’ seats of a doomed aircraft. Interestingly, the fear of flying - not always, but sometimes - comes from not fully understanding that flying can be one of the safest modes of travel, especially when strict protocols and standards are followed.
Now, hold that thought.
Before we talk about marriage, consider what it takes for an aircraft to leave the ground. Long before take-off, there’s very careful, thorough and methodical preparation, most of which is invisible to the public. Engineers inspect and maintain the aircrafts; while boarding crews safely board passengers and make sure the right passenger is on the correct flight and carries the correct weight and security cleared baggage. Pilots run through pre-flight checklists and make calculations of fuel, weight, weather conditions and distance, with nothing left to chance. Then comes the runway; where the aircraft taxis and accelerates, building speed and momentum until it reaches V1 - the point of no return. After this moment, the pilot must commit to flight and the aircraft must take off. Marriage has its own version of this, with dating and courtship as the runway, while the wedding and honeymoon stage become part of the take-off. Long before the wedding, there are assumptions, expectations, habits and communication patterns forming quietly. However, unlike aviation, most couples don’t have checklists and don’t explicitly agree on how to handle conflict, money, family, baggage and emotional needs; instead, they rely on instinct and blind hope.
And yet, they commit…
The early stage of marriage is often filled with momentum and optimism. Take-off is exciting, but staying in the air is where the real work begins. Anyone can get married, but staying married is where the work is and why vows are significant. Pilots commit to doing everything in their power to continue flying the aircraft until the flight reaches its destination. Married couples similarly commit to loving and caring for each other until they reach that destination - death, which parts them. An aircraft does not remain stable on its own, but requires constant adjustments of speed, altitude, direction, balance and fuel, amongst other things. Even the smallest deviation, if left unchecked, can compound problems over time and cause the plane to crush or literally fall out of the sky. Healthy marriages work the same way, relying on continuous correction in the form of small conversations, honest check-ins, timely apologies and staying in sync with each other. Unhealthy marriages tend to ignore the small things. A dismissive tone, a conversation postponed, a need left unspoken and a pattern of listening to respond rather than to understand. On their own, these moments may seem trivial, hardly worth addressing but they do add up and over time, can lead to serious consequences.
In aviation, when a crash is investigated, it is rarely traced back to a single dramatic failure. Instead, there’s almost always a chain of events that look like tiny missteps, overlooked warnings, miscommunication, flawed assumptions and sometimes, even a culture where speaking up is discouraged. One issue alone wouldn’t have caused the disaster, but added together, they did. The same is true for marriage. It’s rarely one argument that ends things but the pattern behind it. It’s rarely one person entirely at fault, but the dynamic that developed over time. In fact, one of the most critical lessons from aviation is the importance of communication. Through what is known as Crew Resource Management, pilots are trained not only to fly, but to challenge each other, to speak up, to raise questions and concerns even across hierarchy, because silence has caused failures before. In many marriages, the opposite happens. Couples avoid difficult conversations and may even assume the other person “should just know.” Over time, silence replaces clarity and small cracks develop into gaps, while gaps become large emotional distances.
There’s a saying in aviation: "you’re better off on the ground wishing you were in the air than being in the air wishing you were on the ground." The reality is once you’re in the air, the responsibility doesn’t go away but it deepens and can’t be subcontracted to another person. I would suggest that the same applies in marriage. It’s better to take the time to understand, to prepare and choose carefully, even if that means staying single for longer, than to find yourself committed to something you’re not ready or able to sustain. So, when a marriage fails, it doesn’t usually collapse because of a single moment, but as a result of many moments - often missed, ignored or mishandled. Not one storm, but a series of unaddressed shifts, not one mistake, but a pattern of small ones and perhaps most importantly, not a sudden failure, but a gradual drift.
Just like flying, a marriage isn’t sustained by a strong take-off. It’s sustained by what happens in the long stretch afterward: the adjustments, the communication, the willingness to notice when something is slightly off and to correct it early. Because in both cases, it’s rarely the obvious that causes the fall. It’s the accumulation of what seemed too small to matter - until it wasn’t.
About the Author
Mbalenhle Philip is a creative, reflective writer and photographer who often uses everyday analogies to explore deeper truths about life and relationships. Rooted in the Christian faith, he is passionate about the human journey toward salvation and healing. Through his work, he seeks to create space for honest reflection on life, love and the quiet struggles often left unspoken within the Christian community.
